Well, today I performed my song called “Le Prof” in front of the class. I was so nervous because it is essentially a gesture of love for the class itself and everyone in it, and I felt very vulnerable sharing it through song, which is so intimately connected to my emotional self. I am beginning to see how truly disconnected and hidden I am from my emotions. Music is, without a doubt, healing me. This is a reality I cannot ignore any longer and brush aside as an inconvenience. I now know it has to be my life, if I am going to learn how to love myself, love others, and to fully live.
I think I am so caught up in planning my next move that I forget to just relax and be. I don’t really know how to fix this except meditation, meditation through prayer, meditation through repetition, meditation through practice. I need to find the zen in the practice, instead of resenting it and thinking it a waste of time.
This requires that I get serious about my time management ability…like, it’s time to actually use that lovely planner I bought myself in Salt Lake City. And when I give myself time to do a thing, I need to follow through and do the thing, not think about doing the thing, not procrastinate about doing the thing, not change my mind on a whim and do another thing…Do the Thing.
Maybe that’s my new mantra. With love in my heart, I will do the thing. With a mind set on self-love and furthering of knowledge, I will do the thing. In an effort to be a better human being, I will do the thing. It’s all about doing the thing.
I feel so inspired by my classmates, all around. I feel incredibly blessed—I will remember this quarter at college for the rest of my life, that much I know. I don’t really know how I want to go forward with garnering intimacy, trust, friendship, borderline familial relations with everyone, but I feel the desire very strongly. But I suppose you can’t really be yourself while essentially wooing 25 different people…(And how can I be myself? DO THE THING.)I have so much love in my heart this afternoon and I don’t know how to feel it, to process it, to keep it warm and safe like a nightlight in the dark. I suppose this blogpost will have to do—that is until another song pops out. Do the thing. Do the thing. Do the thing.
